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This is No Starter Marriage

I was perfectly happy by myself. I’d learned the difference between “alone” and “lonely” and was loving “alone”. I could read for hours. Hog all the pillows in the bed. Not have to make dinner by anyone’s clock. Walk to the beat of my own drum, when I darned well felt like walking. And remembered to bring my drum.

I don’t believe in marriage. There’s no freaking way two people can put up with one another for 60 plus years and not want to see what’s on the other side of the fence. And, people change. And if they change into someone you can’t live with anymore, I believe in choosing happiness over suffering in this life.

Engaged at age 18, my first marriage was founded on old beliefs that didn’t fit me, but I was too inexperienced and desperate to stop the process. He died from the drugs that drove us apart and by that time, he had a new girlfriend anyway.

I never recovered.

My second marriage came when I was a more mature 30 year old. However, I was about as hopeless as the frightened 18 year old me. I was taken in by a family that loved me and stood in as my “parents” when I got married. I knew as soon as I saw him that I’d marry him. I didn’t know we’d have 2 children and that I’d realize he didn’t love me. We were best friends and thought that was enough. Or at least I did. I was wrong.

I was far happier by myself, raising and sharing our kids and being buds with their Dad.

Meanwhile, somebody was waiting in the wings watching me. He was my ex’s drinking partner during my divorce and heard everything about me. We eventually worked together, he divorced his wife and I yelled at him for being stupid. I had no idea how miserable he was.

So we walked. We walked days, months and miles. We told each other our deepest fears, secrets, and stories. I purposely tried my hardest to scare him off. Once, we had a fight and I went chasing after him with pots from the kitchen. I have no idea what that fight was about and I think I woke up the neighbors.

I’m amazed at what he puts up with. He knows every terror. He knows I don’t cry (and wishes I would do that once in awhile, if only for my health!). He knows I want a new puppy. He’s known my children since they were born and they adore him. I, in turn, help him raise his son. He knows of my nightmares. He lets me hog the pillows and most nights comes home to no dinner because I’m still working, or am glued to my laptop or likely freaking out to meet a deadline.  He’s learned to live in a house filled with books and usually 3 or more are near me at any given moment.

We signed a paper 4 years ago today. His parents and my two kids witnessed it. We went home and put Christmas lights up on the house.

This is no starter marriage for me.

Happy Anniversary, Eric.

17 Comments

  1. December 3, 2008    

    Congratulations to you both. :) And thanks for sharing.

  2. Eric's Gravatar Eric
    December 3, 2008    

    Kim,

    We have been great friends for over 18 years, who knew we would/could be so much more. Thank you for letting me in, sharing your life and damning the critics and obstacles, they only helped to strengthen our resolve.

    This is not a starter marriage, though my life only truly began with you.

    ALL my love,
    Eric

  3. December 3, 2008    

    Like I’m gonna be able to work now…. :)

  4. December 3, 2008    

    [reads Eric’s comment, swoons]

  5. December 3, 2008    

    Wow, what a beautifully written post! Congrats Kim & Eric! :)

  6. December 3, 2008    

    You chased him with pots and pans? Was that to try to get him to cook for you?

    Has it really been 4 years already. Pretty sure I remember when you guys got married, and I could have sworn it was like yesterday!

    Congrats guys!

    Jill

  7. December 3, 2008    

    Happy Anniversary! Just proves that great things are worth the wait.
    It’s good to know there are other people out there who chase people with kitchen pots. I hope to see you both soon :)

  8. Michael Motherwell's Gravatar Michael Motherwell
    December 3, 2008    

    OMG that is freakin’ wicked Kim! FREAKIN’. WICKED.

    THAT is how you right. Brutally honest, totally unexpected, and a journey that starts somewhere, and ends somewhere completely different.

    I am such a cynical man, but that actually moved me, and Eric you big softie, that was equally moving.

    I am now going to go out and make love, not war, which is so not like me :P

  9. Michael Motherwell's Gravatar Michael Motherwell
    December 3, 2008    

    Can I change “right” to “write”? For once, my typo, whilst hillarious, was a changed sentence.

    Curse you, easily distracted mind… oh look, a birdie…

  10. December 3, 2008    

    Michael, you have cracking up. As usual. I LOVE how you always make me laugh :)

    And yes, Jill. I was a once a pot thrower. I’ve been in recovery for awhile and can honestly say I don’t miss those pots at all now. heh

  11. December 3, 2008    

    Many congratulations to you both, Kim. Have a great celebration and many more to come.

  12. Don's Gravatar Don
    December 4, 2008    

    That was truly Beautiful!

    Thanks a bunch for Sharing!

    Happy Anniversary!

  13. December 4, 2008    

    I feels like it’s taken a week for to be able to reply to this, but (look!) it’s only been a day. Love defies time, measurement and definition, but we sure know it when we see it. Thank you, both (all!) of you for for sharing it with us.

  14. December 4, 2008    

    p.s. maybe love doesn’t put much stock in scanning for typos, either?

  15. December 5, 2008    

    Well…we get to celebrate tomorrow night finally :) It means putting down our laptops and actually going somewhere, LOL

  16. Jill's Gravatar Jill
    December 5, 2008    

    No, don’t do it! You can take the laptops! ;)

  17. December 7, 2008    

    Happy Anniversary Kim & Eric!! What a beautiful love story.

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